We can't control or change the people who hurt us.

Last week, I was talking with a an acquaintance of mine. When she was a teenager, she unexpectedly became pregnant. She had to make many difficult choices, including choosing to raise her son on her own instead of aborting or adopting. Along the way, she was fortunate enough to find someone who loves her son as his own and they are now married. She is also about to finish up her college degree. For being a teen mom, I'd say she has certainly done a remarkable job of being resilient and trying to make good choices.

So, it made me very sad for her when she began talking about her mother. Despite all of my friend's efforts to be a good mother, her own mother is unstable and verbally abusive. She constantly tells my friend what a bad mother she is and what a slut she was. She makes her feel guilty if she spends any time or money on herself.

I asked my friend how she copes with this. She told me that she does everything she can to prove her mother wrong. She wants to hear her mother tell her what a good job she is doing, and that she is proud.

Seems like a good plan, right? Well, not exactly.

She may never get that validation from her mother, and there may be nothing she can do about it.

We cannot control what other people think and say, as much as we would like to. They may be unable to think in a rational manor due to their own issues or upbringing. They may even be well intended and unable to show love in the way we want.

So what should she do? What should any of us do?

The only thing we have the power to do - do our best to care for ourselves and the choices we make in coping, reacting and healing.

Because these issues can be very emotionally draining as well as multi-faceted, the best thing to do is seek counseling. It is a small step that could make a big difference in happiness, health, and overall well-being.