When looking back on our lives and considering our regrets, and what we would have liked to do differently in hindsight, people often blame other people for what might have been.
It is easy to do. Let's say you choose not to go to a college across the country because your parents don't want you to move so far away. So you choose a closer college you don't like as well, because it is what your parents want. Years later, you find yourself holding a grudge because they held you back.
Perhaps you are given an opportunity to take a dream job several states away, but hold back because you're in a relationship with someone. Regardless of whether or not the relationship works out, resentment often builds.
Or, let's say you uproot yourself because of someone you met online. You are ready for a new start. They end up being a complete jerk and now you're in an unfamiliar place, sad and alone. How dare they do that to you.
Is it really fair to blame the other person for what might have been? Whenever we regret decisions we have made, it is unpleasant and upsetting. But in any of these cases, an opposite action could have also led to regret and "what ifs". We can't know the outcome when we make a decision.
What we can do is hold ourselves responsible for the decisions we have made, and accept and embrace them. It may feel like other people are influencing our decisions - and they often do - but at the end of the day, these decisions are ours. We may regret them, but blaming others puts us in the constant state of the "victim", and that can prevent us from growing and learning from our decisions.
By taking responsibility, we can learn to forgive ourselves for making a decision that seemed wise at the time based on the information we had. We can forgive the other person for the influence they had on our decision. We can also make plans to move forward and realize that we are in control over our destiny.
Mistakes and all.
We can't control or change the people who hurt us.
Last week, I was talking with a an acquaintance of mine. When she was a teenager, she unexpectedly became pregnant. She had to make many difficult choices, including choosing to raise her son on her own instead of aborting or adopting. Along the way, she was fortunate enough to find someone who loves her son as his own and they are now married. She is also about to finish up her college degree. For being a teen mom, I'd say she has certainly done a remarkable job of being resilient and trying to make good choices.
So, it made me very sad for her when she began talking about her mother. Despite all of my friend's efforts to be a good mother, her own mother is unstable and verbally abusive. She constantly tells my friend what a bad mother she is and what a slut she was. She makes her feel guilty if she spends any time or money on herself.
I asked my friend how she copes with this. She told me that she does everything she can to prove her mother wrong. She wants to hear her mother tell her what a good job she is doing, and that she is proud.
Seems like a good plan, right? Well, not exactly.
She may never get that validation from her mother, and there may be nothing she can do about it.
We cannot control what other people think and say, as much as we would like to. They may be unable to think in a rational manor due to their own issues or upbringing. They may even be well intended and unable to show love in the way we want.
So what should she do? What should any of us do?
The only thing we have the power to do - do our best to care for ourselves and the choices we make in coping, reacting and healing.
Because these issues can be very emotionally draining as well as multi-faceted, the best thing to do is seek counseling. It is a small step that could make a big difference in happiness, health, and overall well-being.
So, it made me very sad for her when she began talking about her mother. Despite all of my friend's efforts to be a good mother, her own mother is unstable and verbally abusive. She constantly tells my friend what a bad mother she is and what a slut she was. She makes her feel guilty if she spends any time or money on herself.
I asked my friend how she copes with this. She told me that she does everything she can to prove her mother wrong. She wants to hear her mother tell her what a good job she is doing, and that she is proud.
Seems like a good plan, right? Well, not exactly.
She may never get that validation from her mother, and there may be nothing she can do about it.
We cannot control what other people think and say, as much as we would like to. They may be unable to think in a rational manor due to their own issues or upbringing. They may even be well intended and unable to show love in the way we want.
So what should she do? What should any of us do?
The only thing we have the power to do - do our best to care for ourselves and the choices we make in coping, reacting and healing.
Because these issues can be very emotionally draining as well as multi-faceted, the best thing to do is seek counseling. It is a small step that could make a big difference in happiness, health, and overall well-being.
You don't have time for me anymore!
This topic seems fitting, since I haven't had much time to blog lately. I just started graduate school for counseling, so most of my free time is now spent studying.
Nevertheless, it brings up a good point. How many times do we find ourselves angry or hurt by friends who don't seem to have any time for us?
It is natural to think that something we did, or something someone else said or did, led to the lack of communication. Worse, we fear they are slipping away and don't care about us any more.
I've felt like this many, many times throughout my life, even as recently as last week. See, a friend of mine finally found a guy who loves her, and she spends most of her free time with him - and not me.
When things like this happen, I do my best to let it go. Over the years, I've noticed that people become most noticeably absent during a life change. This includes a new boyfriend or girlfriend, a new baby, school, or a number of other scenarios.
Think about times when you had life changes. You probably found less time to think about friends. It wasn't that you didn't like them anymore, you just had other priorities to attend to at the time. Eventually you probably found an equilibrium and found time for friends again.
It is very likely that others would react the same.
The initial reaction to noticing a "problem" is to try to fix it. If a friend keeps turning you down, you will want to know what he problem is. A better option is to not dwell on it. Try distracting yourself, hanging out with other people, doing therapeutic breathing, challenging your thoughts, or other coping mechanisms that work for you.
If a lot of time passes - more than a few weeks or months perhaps - simply tell them you miss hanging out. Ask if there is anything you can do, and go from there. I can't tell you what will happen or what to do from there, but the important thing to remember that in amost all cases of friend neglect, it is not about you or an attack on you. It's usually just that life got in the way.
OMG, Dating. Yikes!
First dates are usually a little nerve-wracking for most people. It can be a terrifying prospect for someone with anxiety.
I remember my first date. I was 15 years old. My stomach was sick for the days leading up to it. We were supposed to see a movie, then have pizza. I didn't even make it to the pizza.
While I'd like to say that those first date anxious feelings got better with time, they really didn't. Even when I went on my first date with my now-husband, I couldn't eat or sleep for a week leading up to the date.
Of course, dating isn't all bad. However, you have to get to the point of being comfortable with the person before you really start enjoying yourself. And you can't get to that point unless you go on that first date.
I know I'm not the only person who has ever been scared of first dates. Keeping a few of the following things in mind can make that first date easier.
Fear of the unknown is at the heart of anxiety, and no one ever really knows what will happen on a first date. So automatically your head goes to the worst possible place. Try pulling yourself away from that by considering all of the good things that could potentially happen on the date.
You may be afraid of being anxious the whole time, and that the other person will notice. Well, consider this - MOST PEOPLE ARE A LITTLE NERVOUS. It is natural and to be expected. I do know this, too - the first minute is the hardest. After that, it gets easier. Just work on getting through that first minute.
You don't have to go on a date just the two of you. You could hang out in a group. That way you can get to know each other with less pressure.
If you are worried about what the other person will think of you, remember that dating isn't just about trying to win someone over -- it is about finding out if you actually like the other person. Focus on getting to know them.
You also don't need to take it personally if the person doesn't ask you to go out again. People tend to have specific people they are attracted to - physically and personality-wise - and it is much more about the family they were raised in, what their opposite sex parent looked and acted like, etc. then about any perfect Hollywood ideal. Some people are attracted to stocky people, others thin. Some like brunettes, some light redheads. Some like a quiet type, some like a naughty type. No use trying to fit their type. You'll find someone else you click with better.
Also, don't put too much pressure on yourself. This won't be the only person you ever get to date. If it doesn't work out, there will be others.
Best case scenario? You like each other and find a love that lasts a lifetime. Keep trying 'til you find it, folks.
Worrying about tomorrow... or next week... or next year...
There is some verse in the Bible about not worrying about tomorrow when today has worries of its own. I'm not sure who said it, and I'm not even sure what book it is in. At any rate, they seemed to be speaking directly to me.
Or, at least, my mother and my husband think so. They never fail to tell me the same thing, in so many words, when I start worrying about things in the far future.
And I know they are right. But it doesn't stop my mind from going there.
If I could plan my life out right now, I would, but I can't. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, or next year. That is scary for me.
I have been more stressed than usual, because my life is changing. I'm heading back to school to become a mental health counselor. I have all of my "now" bases covered. I have enough money saved up for the first year's tuition. My current employers are working with my school schedule, so I'll still be able to work. My books are ordered and on their way.
So I should feel pretty good about where I'm at, right?
Wrong. While I should be concentrating on what is going on right now, I am trying to map out the next 4 years of my life. I am trying to make sure I'll have enough money saved up for every step of the way. Unfortunately this is something I cannot do at this time. And it is upsetting.
I am blessed to have a husband and a mother that think more rationally about these things than I do. I don't like hearing what they have to say, but as I tell them about my fears and concerns about our lives 4 years from now, they say the same thing: Don't worry about something that is so far off. Concentrate on what you can do now.
So what can I do? Continue to be frugal with money. Concentrate on doing well in school. Know that I are resilient and can handle obstacles. Deal with bad scenarios when they happen, don't think about them beforehand.
Why should I be in a constant state of worry for four years? If I can control what I can control right now, that will be better.
Staying in the present will always be a struggle for me. I'm sure it is for many of you, too. But we can make it through.
Or, at least, my mother and my husband think so. They never fail to tell me the same thing, in so many words, when I start worrying about things in the far future.
And I know they are right. But it doesn't stop my mind from going there.
If I could plan my life out right now, I would, but I can't. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, or next year. That is scary for me.
I have been more stressed than usual, because my life is changing. I'm heading back to school to become a mental health counselor. I have all of my "now" bases covered. I have enough money saved up for the first year's tuition. My current employers are working with my school schedule, so I'll still be able to work. My books are ordered and on their way.
So I should feel pretty good about where I'm at, right?
Wrong. While I should be concentrating on what is going on right now, I am trying to map out the next 4 years of my life. I am trying to make sure I'll have enough money saved up for every step of the way. Unfortunately this is something I cannot do at this time. And it is upsetting.
I am blessed to have a husband and a mother that think more rationally about these things than I do. I don't like hearing what they have to say, but as I tell them about my fears and concerns about our lives 4 years from now, they say the same thing: Don't worry about something that is so far off. Concentrate on what you can do now.
So what can I do? Continue to be frugal with money. Concentrate on doing well in school. Know that I are resilient and can handle obstacles. Deal with bad scenarios when they happen, don't think about them beforehand.
Why should I be in a constant state of worry for four years? If I can control what I can control right now, that will be better.
Staying in the present will always be a struggle for me. I'm sure it is for many of you, too. But we can make it through.
"Coming Out"
Because of the stigmas that unfortunately still exist regarding mental illness, my anxiety disorder isn't something I regularly choose to share with employers, coworkers, or casual acquaintances.
Close friends and significant others? That's a different story. If someone is going to be a big fixture in my life, I'm going to tell them. I'm going to tell them about it. It is a part of who I am, and it is something that, in a way, I am proud of. I am proud of my recovery.
So how do I explain my condition to them? I explain it matter-of-factly. I tell them I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me anxious more than most, but I have been treated for it. You don't have to tell your life story.
I understand that, for some of you, the thought of telling someone about your anxiety is scary. Why? You are afraid that they will think you are weird, or abandon you.
From my own experience, my "coming out" often ended up building a stronger level of trust, and therefore strengthened the friendship or relationship. Often the other person ended up sharing something about themselves that they struggle with.
If you should get a negative response, please understand that the type of person who would ostracize you for your condition is not worth your time. Their rejection isn't a reflection on you. It is a reflection on them. How people feel about things you can't control - like the fact that you have an anxiety disorder - is not your fault. All you have to do is say, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
After all, if you saw someone act like that to someone else, would you want to be that intolerant person's friend? Of course not. So consider it a good thing that you were able to rid that kind of person from your life. If they are going to be intolerant toward you, they'll be intolerant toward others. Bottom line.
It isn't easy, so I empathize with all of you who go through this. If anything, the act of confessing our condition helps us weed out the people who could potentially make us miserable vs the people who have our backs. Those are the people that matter.
In a future post, I'll write about whether to tell your employers and coworkers, and what your rights are.
Close friends and significant others? That's a different story. If someone is going to be a big fixture in my life, I'm going to tell them. I'm going to tell them about it. It is a part of who I am, and it is something that, in a way, I am proud of. I am proud of my recovery.
So how do I explain my condition to them? I explain it matter-of-factly. I tell them I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me anxious more than most, but I have been treated for it. You don't have to tell your life story.
I understand that, for some of you, the thought of telling someone about your anxiety is scary. Why? You are afraid that they will think you are weird, or abandon you.
From my own experience, my "coming out" often ended up building a stronger level of trust, and therefore strengthened the friendship or relationship. Often the other person ended up sharing something about themselves that they struggle with.
If you should get a negative response, please understand that the type of person who would ostracize you for your condition is not worth your time. Their rejection isn't a reflection on you. It is a reflection on them. How people feel about things you can't control - like the fact that you have an anxiety disorder - is not your fault. All you have to do is say, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
After all, if you saw someone act like that to someone else, would you want to be that intolerant person's friend? Of course not. So consider it a good thing that you were able to rid that kind of person from your life. If they are going to be intolerant toward you, they'll be intolerant toward others. Bottom line.
It isn't easy, so I empathize with all of you who go through this. If anything, the act of confessing our condition helps us weed out the people who could potentially make us miserable vs the people who have our backs. Those are the people that matter.
In a future post, I'll write about whether to tell your employers and coworkers, and what your rights are.
Snapping at loved ones
Are you easily offended? Do you take things personally? Do you find yourself getting angry and lashing out at others, then regretting it later?
Unfortunately, that can be a part of anxiety.
I think that being anxious makes us a lot more sensitive to the behaviors and words of others, because we think they are doing it to spite us, or because they don't love us. Let's face it - trusting others when you have anxiety isn't easy. When your mind goes to the worst-case scenario, we react to others as if the worst case scenario - them doing or saying something to spite you - is being played out.
The truth is, people generally aren't going to do things or say things simply to spite us. There are plenty of reasons people do what they do. When you have anxiety, too often the first reason we think of is one that involves someone else not loving or respecting us.
Most of the arguments between my husband and me are due to this. The good news is that I have learned from it, and can cope now, but in the beginning of our relationship, I had a tendency to overreact to him:
If he did not answer his phone or texts in a timely manor, I assumed it was because chose not to pick up.
If he was 1/2 hour late getting to my house, it was because he didn't respect my time.
If he forgot to do a chore I asked him about, it was because he didn't love me enough to do it.
With time, I realized that these reactions were not correct. He was working, or got caught in traffic, or got busy and simply just forgot. He never intended to upset me.
To this day, my initial thoughts to such things are still negative, but I challenge them before they become any worse.
Take this morning, for example. I was upset to see that my dear hubby hadn't cleared the dishwasher without being asked. Instead of waking him up and getting angry, I simply told myself that he had been working long hours and was tired. I put a note on the door asking him to take care of them when he got a chance. And then I went to work. They were done when I got back home.
If you want to stop snapping at your loved ones, you will have to challenge your thoughts. Acknowledge that you are assuming the worst, but that there are other possibilities and reasons that have nothing to do with you.
At the beginning, you may not be able to challenge your thoughts in the heat of the moment. Try very hard to step away. Tell yourself you will get mad at him in 10 minutes.
Chances are, in 10 minutes you will have had a chance to challenge your thoughts, and you likely won't be as angry anymore.
Unfortunately, that can be a part of anxiety.
I think that being anxious makes us a lot more sensitive to the behaviors and words of others, because we think they are doing it to spite us, or because they don't love us. Let's face it - trusting others when you have anxiety isn't easy. When your mind goes to the worst-case scenario, we react to others as if the worst case scenario - them doing or saying something to spite you - is being played out.
The truth is, people generally aren't going to do things or say things simply to spite us. There are plenty of reasons people do what they do. When you have anxiety, too often the first reason we think of is one that involves someone else not loving or respecting us.
Most of the arguments between my husband and me are due to this. The good news is that I have learned from it, and can cope now, but in the beginning of our relationship, I had a tendency to overreact to him:
If he did not answer his phone or texts in a timely manor, I assumed it was because chose not to pick up.
If he was 1/2 hour late getting to my house, it was because he didn't respect my time.
If he forgot to do a chore I asked him about, it was because he didn't love me enough to do it.
With time, I realized that these reactions were not correct. He was working, or got caught in traffic, or got busy and simply just forgot. He never intended to upset me.
To this day, my initial thoughts to such things are still negative, but I challenge them before they become any worse.
Take this morning, for example. I was upset to see that my dear hubby hadn't cleared the dishwasher without being asked. Instead of waking him up and getting angry, I simply told myself that he had been working long hours and was tired. I put a note on the door asking him to take care of them when he got a chance. And then I went to work. They were done when I got back home.
If you want to stop snapping at your loved ones, you will have to challenge your thoughts. Acknowledge that you are assuming the worst, but that there are other possibilities and reasons that have nothing to do with you.
At the beginning, you may not be able to challenge your thoughts in the heat of the moment. Try very hard to step away. Tell yourself you will get mad at him in 10 minutes.
Chances are, in 10 minutes you will have had a chance to challenge your thoughts, and you likely won't be as angry anymore.
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