Last week, I was talking with a an acquaintance of mine. When she was a teenager, she unexpectedly became pregnant. She had to make many difficult choices, including choosing to raise her son on her own instead of aborting or adopting. Along the way, she was fortunate enough to find someone who loves her son as his own and they are now married. She is also about to finish up her college degree. For being a teen mom, I'd say she has certainly done a remarkable job of being resilient and trying to make good choices.
So, it made me very sad for her when she began talking about her mother. Despite all of my friend's efforts to be a good mother, her own mother is unstable and verbally abusive. She constantly tells my friend what a bad mother she is and what a slut she was. She makes her feel guilty if she spends any time or money on herself.
I asked my friend how she copes with this. She told me that she does everything she can to prove her mother wrong. She wants to hear her mother tell her what a good job she is doing, and that she is proud.
Seems like a good plan, right? Well, not exactly.
She may never get that validation from her mother, and there may be nothing she can do about it.
We cannot control what other people think and say, as much as we would like to. They may be unable to think in a rational manor due to their own issues or upbringing. They may even be well intended and unable to show love in the way we want.
So what should she do? What should any of us do?
The only thing we have the power to do - do our best to care for ourselves and the choices we make in coping, reacting and healing.
Because these issues can be very emotionally draining as well as multi-faceted, the best thing to do is seek counseling. It is a small step that could make a big difference in happiness, health, and overall well-being.
Showing posts with label Family Matters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family Matters. Show all posts
Snapping at loved ones
Are you easily offended? Do you take things personally? Do you find yourself getting angry and lashing out at others, then regretting it later?
Unfortunately, that can be a part of anxiety.
I think that being anxious makes us a lot more sensitive to the behaviors and words of others, because we think they are doing it to spite us, or because they don't love us. Let's face it - trusting others when you have anxiety isn't easy. When your mind goes to the worst-case scenario, we react to others as if the worst case scenario - them doing or saying something to spite you - is being played out.
The truth is, people generally aren't going to do things or say things simply to spite us. There are plenty of reasons people do what they do. When you have anxiety, too often the first reason we think of is one that involves someone else not loving or respecting us.
Most of the arguments between my husband and me are due to this. The good news is that I have learned from it, and can cope now, but in the beginning of our relationship, I had a tendency to overreact to him:
If he did not answer his phone or texts in a timely manor, I assumed it was because chose not to pick up.
If he was 1/2 hour late getting to my house, it was because he didn't respect my time.
If he forgot to do a chore I asked him about, it was because he didn't love me enough to do it.
With time, I realized that these reactions were not correct. He was working, or got caught in traffic, or got busy and simply just forgot. He never intended to upset me.
To this day, my initial thoughts to such things are still negative, but I challenge them before they become any worse.
Take this morning, for example. I was upset to see that my dear hubby hadn't cleared the dishwasher without being asked. Instead of waking him up and getting angry, I simply told myself that he had been working long hours and was tired. I put a note on the door asking him to take care of them when he got a chance. And then I went to work. They were done when I got back home.
If you want to stop snapping at your loved ones, you will have to challenge your thoughts. Acknowledge that you are assuming the worst, but that there are other possibilities and reasons that have nothing to do with you.
At the beginning, you may not be able to challenge your thoughts in the heat of the moment. Try very hard to step away. Tell yourself you will get mad at him in 10 minutes.
Chances are, in 10 minutes you will have had a chance to challenge your thoughts, and you likely won't be as angry anymore.
Unfortunately, that can be a part of anxiety.
I think that being anxious makes us a lot more sensitive to the behaviors and words of others, because we think they are doing it to spite us, or because they don't love us. Let's face it - trusting others when you have anxiety isn't easy. When your mind goes to the worst-case scenario, we react to others as if the worst case scenario - them doing or saying something to spite you - is being played out.
The truth is, people generally aren't going to do things or say things simply to spite us. There are plenty of reasons people do what they do. When you have anxiety, too often the first reason we think of is one that involves someone else not loving or respecting us.
Most of the arguments between my husband and me are due to this. The good news is that I have learned from it, and can cope now, but in the beginning of our relationship, I had a tendency to overreact to him:
If he did not answer his phone or texts in a timely manor, I assumed it was because chose not to pick up.
If he was 1/2 hour late getting to my house, it was because he didn't respect my time.
If he forgot to do a chore I asked him about, it was because he didn't love me enough to do it.
With time, I realized that these reactions were not correct. He was working, or got caught in traffic, or got busy and simply just forgot. He never intended to upset me.
To this day, my initial thoughts to such things are still negative, but I challenge them before they become any worse.
Take this morning, for example. I was upset to see that my dear hubby hadn't cleared the dishwasher without being asked. Instead of waking him up and getting angry, I simply told myself that he had been working long hours and was tired. I put a note on the door asking him to take care of them when he got a chance. And then I went to work. They were done when I got back home.
If you want to stop snapping at your loved ones, you will have to challenge your thoughts. Acknowledge that you are assuming the worst, but that there are other possibilities and reasons that have nothing to do with you.
At the beginning, you may not be able to challenge your thoughts in the heat of the moment. Try very hard to step away. Tell yourself you will get mad at him in 10 minutes.
Chances are, in 10 minutes you will have had a chance to challenge your thoughts, and you likely won't be as angry anymore.
When you don't think you can go on...
Sometimes in your anxiety battle, it will feel as if you are stuck in a dark and miserable existence with no escape.. except one...
If you are feeling like that now, STOP.
I know it isn't that easy. You can't just turn the switch from sad to happy. It is a process.
But first, please consider those who love you. Do they know how you are feeling? If not, I encourage you to reach out to them for support. They can't help you if they don't know you are hurting. A very dear friend of mine ended his life at age 19 with no warning. His family - with whom he was very close - had no idea he was suffering. If they had, they would have done everything in their power to talk him out of it. As is, they blame themselves and will never get over the loss. So please, allow your loved ones to help you. Think about how much they need you and how they would feel if you disappeared from their lives.
If they do know, but don't seem to want to help, it is likely because they aren't sure what to do and therefore do nothing. It is a common coping mechanism, and not a sign they don't love you.
You may feel that none of that support matters, that you don't want anyone who doesn't understand what you are going through telling you what to do.
Most likely, you feel you have no control over your future and your happiness. The was a point in my life in which I felt this way. I chose to take control by taking steps towards feeling better. In my case, it was seeing a psychiatrist and a talk therapist.
My life did not improve overnight. Sometimes I still have my moments of weakness. But I don't think that me at 14 could have imagined where I'd be 14 years later. The girl who couldn't talk to her classmates now works as a salesperson. The girl who was too afraid to date a boy is now married. Yes, it was a long process, but my life got better. How are you to know that yours won't get better as well?
Take control over your life, even if it is just making baby steps. Tell someone how you feel, talk to a mental health professional, call a suicide hotline if you have to. You can and will feel better. It may take time, but you'll thank yourself years down the road when you realize what you would have missed out on if you hadn't.
If you are feeling like that now, STOP.
I know it isn't that easy. You can't just turn the switch from sad to happy. It is a process.
But first, please consider those who love you. Do they know how you are feeling? If not, I encourage you to reach out to them for support. They can't help you if they don't know you are hurting. A very dear friend of mine ended his life at age 19 with no warning. His family - with whom he was very close - had no idea he was suffering. If they had, they would have done everything in their power to talk him out of it. As is, they blame themselves and will never get over the loss. So please, allow your loved ones to help you. Think about how much they need you and how they would feel if you disappeared from their lives.
If they do know, but don't seem to want to help, it is likely because they aren't sure what to do and therefore do nothing. It is a common coping mechanism, and not a sign they don't love you.
You may feel that none of that support matters, that you don't want anyone who doesn't understand what you are going through telling you what to do.
Most likely, you feel you have no control over your future and your happiness. The was a point in my life in which I felt this way. I chose to take control by taking steps towards feeling better. In my case, it was seeing a psychiatrist and a talk therapist.
My life did not improve overnight. Sometimes I still have my moments of weakness. But I don't think that me at 14 could have imagined where I'd be 14 years later. The girl who couldn't talk to her classmates now works as a salesperson. The girl who was too afraid to date a boy is now married. Yes, it was a long process, but my life got better. How are you to know that yours won't get better as well?
Take control over your life, even if it is just making baby steps. Tell someone how you feel, talk to a mental health professional, call a suicide hotline if you have to. You can and will feel better. It may take time, but you'll thank yourself years down the road when you realize what you would have missed out on if you hadn't.
How do I deal with my spouse's anxiety?
My husband is an incredibly patient man. However, even he gets frustrated by my anxiety sometimes.
Mainly, he gets annoyed by my inability to "let things go".
For example, if I am worrying about something that cannot be instantly resolved, I tend to get depressed, moody and irritable. Obviously, that affects how I treat him, and it affects his mood as well.
I am sure this is something many dating or married couples go through if one person suffers from anxiety and the other does not. It can be very frustrating for the anxiety spouse, because they feel like their spouse doesn't understand. For the spouse without anxiety, they can feel helpless about not being able to make him or her happy.
Ideally, if you are being treated for anxiety in some way, your tension will be greatly eased and the times you feel unable to let things go with be lessened. That happened for me, but there will still be moments of weakness, no matter how effective your course of treatment (sorry).
If you suffer from anxiety, know that it is OK if your spouse doesn't fully understand how your mind works. Remember, it is difficult to explain blue to a blind person. If they haven't had anxiety, they can't fully understand. Simply let them know that it is an illness, that you are trying your best, and that you understand it can be frustrating. Tell them the best thing they can do is to support and love you.
My husband has learned that the best thing he can do for me when I am anxious is to remind me of the things that bring me comfort . He gives me a hug, and reminds me that he loves me, and the the dog loves me too. That helps bring me out of my head and back into the real world a bit. He also tries to get me to do something fun, like golfing or watching a movie. Different things may work for you, of course. But that's what works for us.
If you are seeing a psychotherapist, social worker, etc, do not be afraid to ask them about bringing your spouse along.
Mainly, he gets annoyed by my inability to "let things go".
For example, if I am worrying about something that cannot be instantly resolved, I tend to get depressed, moody and irritable. Obviously, that affects how I treat him, and it affects his mood as well.
I am sure this is something many dating or married couples go through if one person suffers from anxiety and the other does not. It can be very frustrating for the anxiety spouse, because they feel like their spouse doesn't understand. For the spouse without anxiety, they can feel helpless about not being able to make him or her happy.
Ideally, if you are being treated for anxiety in some way, your tension will be greatly eased and the times you feel unable to let things go with be lessened. That happened for me, but there will still be moments of weakness, no matter how effective your course of treatment (sorry).
If you suffer from anxiety, know that it is OK if your spouse doesn't fully understand how your mind works. Remember, it is difficult to explain blue to a blind person. If they haven't had anxiety, they can't fully understand. Simply let them know that it is an illness, that you are trying your best, and that you understand it can be frustrating. Tell them the best thing they can do is to support and love you.
My husband has learned that the best thing he can do for me when I am anxious is to remind me of the things that bring me comfort . He gives me a hug, and reminds me that he loves me, and the the dog loves me too. That helps bring me out of my head and back into the real world a bit. He also tries to get me to do something fun, like golfing or watching a movie. Different things may work for you, of course. But that's what works for us.
If you are seeing a psychotherapist, social worker, etc, do not be afraid to ask them about bringing your spouse along.
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