When looking back on our lives and considering our regrets, and what we would have liked to do differently in hindsight, people often blame other people for what might have been.
It is easy to do. Let's say you choose not to go to a college across the country because your parents don't want you to move so far away. So you choose a closer college you don't like as well, because it is what your parents want. Years later, you find yourself holding a grudge because they held you back.
Perhaps you are given an opportunity to take a dream job several states away, but hold back because you're in a relationship with someone. Regardless of whether or not the relationship works out, resentment often builds.
Or, let's say you uproot yourself because of someone you met online. You are ready for a new start. They end up being a complete jerk and now you're in an unfamiliar place, sad and alone. How dare they do that to you.
Is it really fair to blame the other person for what might have been? Whenever we regret decisions we have made, it is unpleasant and upsetting. But in any of these cases, an opposite action could have also led to regret and "what ifs". We can't know the outcome when we make a decision.
What we can do is hold ourselves responsible for the decisions we have made, and accept and embrace them. It may feel like other people are influencing our decisions - and they often do - but at the end of the day, these decisions are ours. We may regret them, but blaming others puts us in the constant state of the "victim", and that can prevent us from growing and learning from our decisions.
By taking responsibility, we can learn to forgive ourselves for making a decision that seemed wise at the time based on the information we had. We can forgive the other person for the influence they had on our decision. We can also make plans to move forward and realize that we are in control over our destiny.
Mistakes and all.
We can't control or change the people who hurt us.
Last week, I was talking with a an acquaintance of mine. When she was a teenager, she unexpectedly became pregnant. She had to make many difficult choices, including choosing to raise her son on her own instead of aborting or adopting. Along the way, she was fortunate enough to find someone who loves her son as his own and they are now married. She is also about to finish up her college degree. For being a teen mom, I'd say she has certainly done a remarkable job of being resilient and trying to make good choices.
So, it made me very sad for her when she began talking about her mother. Despite all of my friend's efforts to be a good mother, her own mother is unstable and verbally abusive. She constantly tells my friend what a bad mother she is and what a slut she was. She makes her feel guilty if she spends any time or money on herself.
I asked my friend how she copes with this. She told me that she does everything she can to prove her mother wrong. She wants to hear her mother tell her what a good job she is doing, and that she is proud.
Seems like a good plan, right? Well, not exactly.
She may never get that validation from her mother, and there may be nothing she can do about it.
We cannot control what other people think and say, as much as we would like to. They may be unable to think in a rational manor due to their own issues or upbringing. They may even be well intended and unable to show love in the way we want.
So what should she do? What should any of us do?
The only thing we have the power to do - do our best to care for ourselves and the choices we make in coping, reacting and healing.
Because these issues can be very emotionally draining as well as multi-faceted, the best thing to do is seek counseling. It is a small step that could make a big difference in happiness, health, and overall well-being.
So, it made me very sad for her when she began talking about her mother. Despite all of my friend's efforts to be a good mother, her own mother is unstable and verbally abusive. She constantly tells my friend what a bad mother she is and what a slut she was. She makes her feel guilty if she spends any time or money on herself.
I asked my friend how she copes with this. She told me that she does everything she can to prove her mother wrong. She wants to hear her mother tell her what a good job she is doing, and that she is proud.
Seems like a good plan, right? Well, not exactly.
She may never get that validation from her mother, and there may be nothing she can do about it.
We cannot control what other people think and say, as much as we would like to. They may be unable to think in a rational manor due to their own issues or upbringing. They may even be well intended and unable to show love in the way we want.
So what should she do? What should any of us do?
The only thing we have the power to do - do our best to care for ourselves and the choices we make in coping, reacting and healing.
Because these issues can be very emotionally draining as well as multi-faceted, the best thing to do is seek counseling. It is a small step that could make a big difference in happiness, health, and overall well-being.
You don't have time for me anymore!
This topic seems fitting, since I haven't had much time to blog lately. I just started graduate school for counseling, so most of my free time is now spent studying.
Nevertheless, it brings up a good point. How many times do we find ourselves angry or hurt by friends who don't seem to have any time for us?
It is natural to think that something we did, or something someone else said or did, led to the lack of communication. Worse, we fear they are slipping away and don't care about us any more.
I've felt like this many, many times throughout my life, even as recently as last week. See, a friend of mine finally found a guy who loves her, and she spends most of her free time with him - and not me.
When things like this happen, I do my best to let it go. Over the years, I've noticed that people become most noticeably absent during a life change. This includes a new boyfriend or girlfriend, a new baby, school, or a number of other scenarios.
Think about times when you had life changes. You probably found less time to think about friends. It wasn't that you didn't like them anymore, you just had other priorities to attend to at the time. Eventually you probably found an equilibrium and found time for friends again.
It is very likely that others would react the same.
The initial reaction to noticing a "problem" is to try to fix it. If a friend keeps turning you down, you will want to know what he problem is. A better option is to not dwell on it. Try distracting yourself, hanging out with other people, doing therapeutic breathing, challenging your thoughts, or other coping mechanisms that work for you.
If a lot of time passes - more than a few weeks or months perhaps - simply tell them you miss hanging out. Ask if there is anything you can do, and go from there. I can't tell you what will happen or what to do from there, but the important thing to remember that in amost all cases of friend neglect, it is not about you or an attack on you. It's usually just that life got in the way.
OMG, Dating. Yikes!
First dates are usually a little nerve-wracking for most people. It can be a terrifying prospect for someone with anxiety.
I remember my first date. I was 15 years old. My stomach was sick for the days leading up to it. We were supposed to see a movie, then have pizza. I didn't even make it to the pizza.
While I'd like to say that those first date anxious feelings got better with time, they really didn't. Even when I went on my first date with my now-husband, I couldn't eat or sleep for a week leading up to the date.
Of course, dating isn't all bad. However, you have to get to the point of being comfortable with the person before you really start enjoying yourself. And you can't get to that point unless you go on that first date.
I know I'm not the only person who has ever been scared of first dates. Keeping a few of the following things in mind can make that first date easier.
Fear of the unknown is at the heart of anxiety, and no one ever really knows what will happen on a first date. So automatically your head goes to the worst possible place. Try pulling yourself away from that by considering all of the good things that could potentially happen on the date.
You may be afraid of being anxious the whole time, and that the other person will notice. Well, consider this - MOST PEOPLE ARE A LITTLE NERVOUS. It is natural and to be expected. I do know this, too - the first minute is the hardest. After that, it gets easier. Just work on getting through that first minute.
You don't have to go on a date just the two of you. You could hang out in a group. That way you can get to know each other with less pressure.
If you are worried about what the other person will think of you, remember that dating isn't just about trying to win someone over -- it is about finding out if you actually like the other person. Focus on getting to know them.
You also don't need to take it personally if the person doesn't ask you to go out again. People tend to have specific people they are attracted to - physically and personality-wise - and it is much more about the family they were raised in, what their opposite sex parent looked and acted like, etc. then about any perfect Hollywood ideal. Some people are attracted to stocky people, others thin. Some like brunettes, some light redheads. Some like a quiet type, some like a naughty type. No use trying to fit their type. You'll find someone else you click with better.
Also, don't put too much pressure on yourself. This won't be the only person you ever get to date. If it doesn't work out, there will be others.
Best case scenario? You like each other and find a love that lasts a lifetime. Keep trying 'til you find it, folks.
Worrying about tomorrow... or next week... or next year...
There is some verse in the Bible about not worrying about tomorrow when today has worries of its own. I'm not sure who said it, and I'm not even sure what book it is in. At any rate, they seemed to be speaking directly to me.
Or, at least, my mother and my husband think so. They never fail to tell me the same thing, in so many words, when I start worrying about things in the far future.
And I know they are right. But it doesn't stop my mind from going there.
If I could plan my life out right now, I would, but I can't. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, or next year. That is scary for me.
I have been more stressed than usual, because my life is changing. I'm heading back to school to become a mental health counselor. I have all of my "now" bases covered. I have enough money saved up for the first year's tuition. My current employers are working with my school schedule, so I'll still be able to work. My books are ordered and on their way.
So I should feel pretty good about where I'm at, right?
Wrong. While I should be concentrating on what is going on right now, I am trying to map out the next 4 years of my life. I am trying to make sure I'll have enough money saved up for every step of the way. Unfortunately this is something I cannot do at this time. And it is upsetting.
I am blessed to have a husband and a mother that think more rationally about these things than I do. I don't like hearing what they have to say, but as I tell them about my fears and concerns about our lives 4 years from now, they say the same thing: Don't worry about something that is so far off. Concentrate on what you can do now.
So what can I do? Continue to be frugal with money. Concentrate on doing well in school. Know that I are resilient and can handle obstacles. Deal with bad scenarios when they happen, don't think about them beforehand.
Why should I be in a constant state of worry for four years? If I can control what I can control right now, that will be better.
Staying in the present will always be a struggle for me. I'm sure it is for many of you, too. But we can make it through.
Or, at least, my mother and my husband think so. They never fail to tell me the same thing, in so many words, when I start worrying about things in the far future.
And I know they are right. But it doesn't stop my mind from going there.
If I could plan my life out right now, I would, but I can't. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, or next year. That is scary for me.
I have been more stressed than usual, because my life is changing. I'm heading back to school to become a mental health counselor. I have all of my "now" bases covered. I have enough money saved up for the first year's tuition. My current employers are working with my school schedule, so I'll still be able to work. My books are ordered and on their way.
So I should feel pretty good about where I'm at, right?
Wrong. While I should be concentrating on what is going on right now, I am trying to map out the next 4 years of my life. I am trying to make sure I'll have enough money saved up for every step of the way. Unfortunately this is something I cannot do at this time. And it is upsetting.
I am blessed to have a husband and a mother that think more rationally about these things than I do. I don't like hearing what they have to say, but as I tell them about my fears and concerns about our lives 4 years from now, they say the same thing: Don't worry about something that is so far off. Concentrate on what you can do now.
So what can I do? Continue to be frugal with money. Concentrate on doing well in school. Know that I are resilient and can handle obstacles. Deal with bad scenarios when they happen, don't think about them beforehand.
Why should I be in a constant state of worry for four years? If I can control what I can control right now, that will be better.
Staying in the present will always be a struggle for me. I'm sure it is for many of you, too. But we can make it through.
"Coming Out"
Because of the stigmas that unfortunately still exist regarding mental illness, my anxiety disorder isn't something I regularly choose to share with employers, coworkers, or casual acquaintances.
Close friends and significant others? That's a different story. If someone is going to be a big fixture in my life, I'm going to tell them. I'm going to tell them about it. It is a part of who I am, and it is something that, in a way, I am proud of. I am proud of my recovery.
So how do I explain my condition to them? I explain it matter-of-factly. I tell them I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me anxious more than most, but I have been treated for it. You don't have to tell your life story.
I understand that, for some of you, the thought of telling someone about your anxiety is scary. Why? You are afraid that they will think you are weird, or abandon you.
From my own experience, my "coming out" often ended up building a stronger level of trust, and therefore strengthened the friendship or relationship. Often the other person ended up sharing something about themselves that they struggle with.
If you should get a negative response, please understand that the type of person who would ostracize you for your condition is not worth your time. Their rejection isn't a reflection on you. It is a reflection on them. How people feel about things you can't control - like the fact that you have an anxiety disorder - is not your fault. All you have to do is say, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
After all, if you saw someone act like that to someone else, would you want to be that intolerant person's friend? Of course not. So consider it a good thing that you were able to rid that kind of person from your life. If they are going to be intolerant toward you, they'll be intolerant toward others. Bottom line.
It isn't easy, so I empathize with all of you who go through this. If anything, the act of confessing our condition helps us weed out the people who could potentially make us miserable vs the people who have our backs. Those are the people that matter.
In a future post, I'll write about whether to tell your employers and coworkers, and what your rights are.
Close friends and significant others? That's a different story. If someone is going to be a big fixture in my life, I'm going to tell them. I'm going to tell them about it. It is a part of who I am, and it is something that, in a way, I am proud of. I am proud of my recovery.
So how do I explain my condition to them? I explain it matter-of-factly. I tell them I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me anxious more than most, but I have been treated for it. You don't have to tell your life story.
I understand that, for some of you, the thought of telling someone about your anxiety is scary. Why? You are afraid that they will think you are weird, or abandon you.
From my own experience, my "coming out" often ended up building a stronger level of trust, and therefore strengthened the friendship or relationship. Often the other person ended up sharing something about themselves that they struggle with.
If you should get a negative response, please understand that the type of person who would ostracize you for your condition is not worth your time. Their rejection isn't a reflection on you. It is a reflection on them. How people feel about things you can't control - like the fact that you have an anxiety disorder - is not your fault. All you have to do is say, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
After all, if you saw someone act like that to someone else, would you want to be that intolerant person's friend? Of course not. So consider it a good thing that you were able to rid that kind of person from your life. If they are going to be intolerant toward you, they'll be intolerant toward others. Bottom line.
It isn't easy, so I empathize with all of you who go through this. If anything, the act of confessing our condition helps us weed out the people who could potentially make us miserable vs the people who have our backs. Those are the people that matter.
In a future post, I'll write about whether to tell your employers and coworkers, and what your rights are.
Snapping at loved ones
Are you easily offended? Do you take things personally? Do you find yourself getting angry and lashing out at others, then regretting it later?
Unfortunately, that can be a part of anxiety.
I think that being anxious makes us a lot more sensitive to the behaviors and words of others, because we think they are doing it to spite us, or because they don't love us. Let's face it - trusting others when you have anxiety isn't easy. When your mind goes to the worst-case scenario, we react to others as if the worst case scenario - them doing or saying something to spite you - is being played out.
The truth is, people generally aren't going to do things or say things simply to spite us. There are plenty of reasons people do what they do. When you have anxiety, too often the first reason we think of is one that involves someone else not loving or respecting us.
Most of the arguments between my husband and me are due to this. The good news is that I have learned from it, and can cope now, but in the beginning of our relationship, I had a tendency to overreact to him:
If he did not answer his phone or texts in a timely manor, I assumed it was because chose not to pick up.
If he was 1/2 hour late getting to my house, it was because he didn't respect my time.
If he forgot to do a chore I asked him about, it was because he didn't love me enough to do it.
With time, I realized that these reactions were not correct. He was working, or got caught in traffic, or got busy and simply just forgot. He never intended to upset me.
To this day, my initial thoughts to such things are still negative, but I challenge them before they become any worse.
Take this morning, for example. I was upset to see that my dear hubby hadn't cleared the dishwasher without being asked. Instead of waking him up and getting angry, I simply told myself that he had been working long hours and was tired. I put a note on the door asking him to take care of them when he got a chance. And then I went to work. They were done when I got back home.
If you want to stop snapping at your loved ones, you will have to challenge your thoughts. Acknowledge that you are assuming the worst, but that there are other possibilities and reasons that have nothing to do with you.
At the beginning, you may not be able to challenge your thoughts in the heat of the moment. Try very hard to step away. Tell yourself you will get mad at him in 10 minutes.
Chances are, in 10 minutes you will have had a chance to challenge your thoughts, and you likely won't be as angry anymore.
Unfortunately, that can be a part of anxiety.
I think that being anxious makes us a lot more sensitive to the behaviors and words of others, because we think they are doing it to spite us, or because they don't love us. Let's face it - trusting others when you have anxiety isn't easy. When your mind goes to the worst-case scenario, we react to others as if the worst case scenario - them doing or saying something to spite you - is being played out.
The truth is, people generally aren't going to do things or say things simply to spite us. There are plenty of reasons people do what they do. When you have anxiety, too often the first reason we think of is one that involves someone else not loving or respecting us.
Most of the arguments between my husband and me are due to this. The good news is that I have learned from it, and can cope now, but in the beginning of our relationship, I had a tendency to overreact to him:
If he did not answer his phone or texts in a timely manor, I assumed it was because chose not to pick up.
If he was 1/2 hour late getting to my house, it was because he didn't respect my time.
If he forgot to do a chore I asked him about, it was because he didn't love me enough to do it.
With time, I realized that these reactions were not correct. He was working, or got caught in traffic, or got busy and simply just forgot. He never intended to upset me.
To this day, my initial thoughts to such things are still negative, but I challenge them before they become any worse.
Take this morning, for example. I was upset to see that my dear hubby hadn't cleared the dishwasher without being asked. Instead of waking him up and getting angry, I simply told myself that he had been working long hours and was tired. I put a note on the door asking him to take care of them when he got a chance. And then I went to work. They were done when I got back home.
If you want to stop snapping at your loved ones, you will have to challenge your thoughts. Acknowledge that you are assuming the worst, but that there are other possibilities and reasons that have nothing to do with you.
At the beginning, you may not be able to challenge your thoughts in the heat of the moment. Try very hard to step away. Tell yourself you will get mad at him in 10 minutes.
Chances are, in 10 minutes you will have had a chance to challenge your thoughts, and you likely won't be as angry anymore.
The "What If" Conundrum
I have anxiety. I don't want uncertainty. I don't want to worry about what will happen.
Because when you don't know what will happen, the worst-case scenarios come in to knock you down.
Worrying about the worst-case scenario, or any bad scenario, coming to fruition is exhausting, isn't it?
Yet that is the natural state of mind for anxiety sufferers with catastrophic thinking. You worry about what you don't know, and assume the worst will happen.
As controlled as my anxiety is most of the time, I still have these thoughts sometimes.
Right now is one of those times.
I've decided I'd like to further my education, and work toward a degree in mental health counseling.
Readers, you have played a big role in that - so thank you.
Going back to school is full of uncertainties, which in turn brings about the following thoughts for me. I'll map them out.
"Classes start at 4, and I work 8 - 5. What if my boss doesn't let me take off an hour early to go to school? What if he makes me choose between my job and school?"
"If my boss fires me, what will I do about paying the bills, and paying my mortgage?"
"What if I can't find the internships I need to get my license after graduation?"
"What if those internships are unpaid - will I lose my house?"
"What if I can't find a job after I get my license, and then I've wasted time and money?"
Are you exhausted yet? I sure am. I know many of you get these same thoughts. They can be very paralyzing. They can make you want to avoid taking risks - like going back to school.
They can also prevent you from making your life better.
There is the theory of risk vs. reward, but there really aren't any rewards unless you take a risk. Otherwise you just sit around in the same comfortable routine asking yourself "what if".
So if you are going to ask yourself "What if" either way, why not go for the one that might get you a reward? Why not take a risk?
I'm not saying you have to go back to school, or even jump out of an airplane. For some, it is saying "Hi" to someone they do not know. For others, it is just leaving the house.
You may not know what will happen, but that is ok. As anxiety sufferers we are STRONG. We are RESILIENT. We may not always realize it, but if that worst case scenario comes, we deal with it then. And not a minute before. We cannot allow ourselves to always worry about things that may or may not happen, and most of the time the worst case scenario doesn't come true anyway.
So go take a risk today. Don't ask yourself "What if it ruins my life." Ask yourself, "What if it makes my life better?"
Because when you don't know what will happen, the worst-case scenarios come in to knock you down.
Worrying about the worst-case scenario, or any bad scenario, coming to fruition is exhausting, isn't it?
Yet that is the natural state of mind for anxiety sufferers with catastrophic thinking. You worry about what you don't know, and assume the worst will happen.
As controlled as my anxiety is most of the time, I still have these thoughts sometimes.
Right now is one of those times.
I've decided I'd like to further my education, and work toward a degree in mental health counseling.
Readers, you have played a big role in that - so thank you.
Going back to school is full of uncertainties, which in turn brings about the following thoughts for me. I'll map them out.
"Classes start at 4, and I work 8 - 5. What if my boss doesn't let me take off an hour early to go to school? What if he makes me choose between my job and school?"
"If my boss fires me, what will I do about paying the bills, and paying my mortgage?"
"What if I can't find the internships I need to get my license after graduation?"
"What if those internships are unpaid - will I lose my house?"
"What if I can't find a job after I get my license, and then I've wasted time and money?"
Are you exhausted yet? I sure am. I know many of you get these same thoughts. They can be very paralyzing. They can make you want to avoid taking risks - like going back to school.
They can also prevent you from making your life better.
There is the theory of risk vs. reward, but there really aren't any rewards unless you take a risk. Otherwise you just sit around in the same comfortable routine asking yourself "what if".
So if you are going to ask yourself "What if" either way, why not go for the one that might get you a reward? Why not take a risk?
I'm not saying you have to go back to school, or even jump out of an airplane. For some, it is saying "Hi" to someone they do not know. For others, it is just leaving the house.
You may not know what will happen, but that is ok. As anxiety sufferers we are STRONG. We are RESILIENT. We may not always realize it, but if that worst case scenario comes, we deal with it then. And not a minute before. We cannot allow ourselves to always worry about things that may or may not happen, and most of the time the worst case scenario doesn't come true anyway.
So go take a risk today. Don't ask yourself "What if it ruins my life." Ask yourself, "What if it makes my life better?"
Thank you... sometimes things happen for a reason
It has been less than a week since I decided to share my story, in hopes that it would help others like me. I hoped it would help change your lives for the better.
The reality is, I think you have changed mine.
I've been overwhelmed by the response and I am ever so grateful. I feel convinced that now is the time for me to do something that, perhaps, I should have done years ago - become a professional mental health counselor.
Right now, I'm just someone fighting a lifelong battle with generalized anxiety and lives to tell the tale. I want to do more.
Currently, I am looking at my options for going back to school.
Sometimes things happen at the times they are supposed to happen, and not a minute sooner. I have asked myself frequently why I did not consider becoming a counselor when I was in undergrad. Instead, I eared a communications degree and currently work in sales and marketing - a career I once thought I would be unable to do, considering my anxiety.
The job never felt like the right fit, but I think because of that, I was able to reach outside of my comfort zone and truly work through a lot of the rough edges in my anxiety life.
I never thought I could make cold calls, or attend networking events by myself. But I do. And now I have the experience to share with you how I was able to overcome my anxiety enough to do it.
Without my current profession, I never would have been able to acquire the experiences that would allow me to help you.
And in turn, helping you has helped me find my calling.
So thank you. I look forward to continuing with this blog for many years to come, and seeing where my life's journey will take me.
The reality is, I think you have changed mine.
I've been overwhelmed by the response and I am ever so grateful. I feel convinced that now is the time for me to do something that, perhaps, I should have done years ago - become a professional mental health counselor.
Right now, I'm just someone fighting a lifelong battle with generalized anxiety and lives to tell the tale. I want to do more.
Currently, I am looking at my options for going back to school.
Sometimes things happen at the times they are supposed to happen, and not a minute sooner. I have asked myself frequently why I did not consider becoming a counselor when I was in undergrad. Instead, I eared a communications degree and currently work in sales and marketing - a career I once thought I would be unable to do, considering my anxiety.
The job never felt like the right fit, but I think because of that, I was able to reach outside of my comfort zone and truly work through a lot of the rough edges in my anxiety life.
I never thought I could make cold calls, or attend networking events by myself. But I do. And now I have the experience to share with you how I was able to overcome my anxiety enough to do it.
Without my current profession, I never would have been able to acquire the experiences that would allow me to help you.
And in turn, helping you has helped me find my calling.
So thank you. I look forward to continuing with this blog for many years to come, and seeing where my life's journey will take me.
Anxiety and dogs: A therapeutic combination
When I was a child, I was not allowed to have a dog. I never really wanted one.
In fact, I never considered getting a dog until I married a lifelong dog lover.
He never pressured me into getting a dog, but I knew he missed his childhood dog, a Golden Retriever named Rory. I'd met Rory -- to me she was just a shed-happy, slobbery mess.
Somehow, I caved. I agreed to get a dog under the following conditions: A. It was small, and B. It didn't shed.
Two weeks later, we brought our little Cockapoo boy, Remington "Remy" Steele, home.
If you are considering getting a dog for the first time, definitely choose a breed that is known for a calm demeanor and is easily trainable. Your first time out, going to a pound and picking up an abused (and as a result aggressive) dog would be unwise. You can definitely talk to a local dog trainer to get their input on the easiest breeds to raise. They may also have ideas on where to buy dogs from reputable breeders (no puppy mills or pet stores please!) You could also go a local humane society and choose a good fit for you among the dogs they have on-site.
Have any of you had similar experiences with a pet? Feel free to comment below.
In fact, I never considered getting a dog until I married a lifelong dog lover.
He never pressured me into getting a dog, but I knew he missed his childhood dog, a Golden Retriever named Rory. I'd met Rory -- to me she was just a shed-happy, slobbery mess.
Somehow, I caved. I agreed to get a dog under the following conditions: A. It was small, and B. It didn't shed.
Two weeks later, we brought our little Cockapoo boy, Remington "Remy" Steele, home.
It was hard at first, with the potty training and boundary-setting. Early on, it caused me some extra anxiety and I wondered why I got the dog in the first place. However, it wasn't long before I understood why my husband loved dogs. I understood why so many people love dogs.
Dogs are the most loving, loyal creatures. They make you feel valued. They need you. They make you feel special.
Remy is now 1-1/2 years old, and there is nothing more precious to me than when I come home from work, and he begs to be picked up, and then showers me with his puppy kisses.
My anxiety is generally under control at this point in my life, but even then, I've come to also understand how therapeutic dogs can potentially be when it comes to anxiety sufferers.
Maybe I would have had a better childhood if I'd had a dog. I truly do think so.
First of all, most anxiety sufferers feel like they are judged and misunderstood. They feel like the world is looking at them and calling them "freak". Dogs don't think this way. Dogs don't care. Their love is unconditional, and all-accepting.
They also give a great deal of physical comfort. Especially for someone who has a hard time getting close to people, the physical affection of a dog can be that much more meaningful. Almost all dogs want to be close to their owners, and will be keen to snuggle most of the time. It still surprises me how gratifying those snuggles can be. It really makes me feel like, no matter what is going on, someone loves me and wants to be close to me.
Dogs also force you to get out of the house. When anxiety and depression are at their worst, motivation to get up and do something is at a low. Regardless of how you feel, though, the dog needs a walk. The positive endorphins given off by exercise, as well as the social aspect of having others come up to you and tell you how "cute" your dog is, will likely put you in a much better mood.
If you are overwhelmed in your life currently, a dog might make things worse. But if you have the time to spend with a dog, and have been on the fence about getting one, it could definitely increase your happiness.
If you are considering getting a dog for the first time, definitely choose a breed that is known for a calm demeanor and is easily trainable. Your first time out, going to a pound and picking up an abused (and as a result aggressive) dog would be unwise. You can definitely talk to a local dog trainer to get their input on the easiest breeds to raise. They may also have ideas on where to buy dogs from reputable breeders (no puppy mills or pet stores please!) You could also go a local humane society and choose a good fit for you among the dogs they have on-site.
Have any of you had similar experiences with a pet? Feel free to comment below.
Counting your blessings
David Finn is living the golf fanatic's dream. He has caddied for Hunter Mahan. He has earned both the respect and friendship of Phil Mickelson. Most of the top golfers on the PGA Tour know him by name.
Whatever image you had in your mind of this gentleman, you're in for a shock.
David is confined to a wheelchair, with shriveled limbs and a mouth that can't form words.
But he's smart, has a great sense of humor, and a big passion for golf.
Phil Mickelson first spotted him in 2005, sitting in the gallery at the 14th green of the PGA Championship course. Phil won the tournament, and he shared his joy with his David. Soon, other PGA golfers befriended him too. Players often give him tickets to the big events - so far he has attended 27 tournaments.
Obviously, David's life is not easy. He communicates by typing with a single, crooked finger. He will never walk or be able to swing a club. But if you ask David, he'd say his life is pretty sweet. He is having a great time pursuing his passion for golf in his own way, and the pro golfers love him for it. Just look at him here with Phil!
So what does that have to do with us anxiety sufferers?
Whatever image you had in your mind of this gentleman, you're in for a shock.
David is confined to a wheelchair, with shriveled limbs and a mouth that can't form words.
But he's smart, has a great sense of humor, and a big passion for golf.
Phil Mickelson first spotted him in 2005, sitting in the gallery at the 14th green of the PGA Championship course. Phil won the tournament, and he shared his joy with his David. Soon, other PGA golfers befriended him too. Players often give him tickets to the big events - so far he has attended 27 tournaments.
Obviously, David's life is not easy. He communicates by typing with a single, crooked finger. He will never walk or be able to swing a club. But if you ask David, he'd say his life is pretty sweet. He is having a great time pursuing his passion for golf in his own way, and the pro golfers love him for it. Just look at him here with Phil!
John Munson/The Star-Ledger
Well, it shows us that we may have hinderances in life, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't - or can't - enjoy it. We still deserve to pursue our passions, and we deserve to be loved. We deserve to have fun. If David can do it, why can't we?
Anxious about social gatherings? Here's how to feel comfortable and have fun!
The thought of entering a crowded room can be extraordinarily frightening for someone who battles anxiety.
I used to be terrified of it. But I was forced to start attending networking events as part of my marketing job. Now I'm used to it, and in fact enjoy it to a degree. I've made some observations and learned some tricks that people who generally avoid social gatherings can use to hopefully overcome their fears.
Let me tell you the first thing to know about social gatherings. Most people are nervous about being around people they don't know very well, whether they have an anxiety disorder or not. Don't believe me? Then ask yourself why every social event, from a company networking event to a house party, has beer and vodka ready to help attendees braven up. Personally, I believe that if you are suffering from anxiety, you should try harder to stay away from heavy drinking at parties, as it is easy to become dependent. One or two is enough.
The best way to braven up does not involve booze. It involves a friend. Anxiety worsens when you are in situations with uncertainty, and people you don't know very well or at all are certainly... well... uncertainties. So bring a friend. That friend can be your comfort and your cushion - even if you don't have the guts to speak to anyone else at the party, you can still have fun with your friend.
Even better, if you have a friend that is more social than you are, he or she can introduce you to other people at the party. If you are trying to break out of your comfort zone and talk to people you don't know, then this is a safe way to do that. Since they know your friend, you can expect to be treated with kindness if you attempt to start a conversation.
I should mention one other thing -- some people avoid parties because they don't want to be the center of attention, or don't want people looking at them and/or judging them. Well, let me tell you something my first (and greatest) psychotherapist told me. "People are so focused on themselves that they don't have the time or energy to pay any attention to what you are doing", he said. And having been to dozens of networking events and parties, I know this to be the absolute case. People do not notice you unless they are A. looking for you or B. you start a conversation with them.
I'll write in a future blog about navigating a party on your own, but if you are just starting to get out more, I'd stick to the friend approach unless you know people who will be at the party whom you can join up with. So get out and have some fun. I have faith in you!
Why I am anxious about my high school reunion, and why I decided to go anyway
High school is a breeding ground for insecurity.
Whether it is the dude that makes fun of your clothes, or the cliques that won't let you near their lunch table, there are plenty of reasons to want to hide under a rock from time to time.
For teens who suffer from social anxiety - either alone or as part of their generalized anxiety - any social situation in high school can be terrifying. From the lunch room, to recess, to bus trips, to finding partners in class... all of it was agonizing for me.
Things got much better after my Sophomore year, when I began taking medication and receiving psychotherapy for my anxiety. After that, I was able to make a few friends. I even attended my proms.
However, high school is something that I would never want to relive. If I am being honest, I have mentally blocked most of it out.
When I received my 5 year reunion invitation, I crumpled it and threw it in the garbage can. I was not interested in seeing people that reminded me of a terrible time in my life.
Last month, I received my 10 year reunion request. This time, i gave it a second look.
Why?
It all came down to my battle with anxiety.
I let it beat me throughout most of high school.
I wasn't about to let it beat me again.
So, I decided to see my 10 year reunion not as a reminder of bad times, but as a chance for redemption. A chance to show people how far I'd come. Show them that that shy little girl had come into her own, as was doing things no one ever thought possible.
More than that, I wanted to get to know these people with him I was once unable to speak. Maybe at one time being around these people caused me great anxiety, but now I know how to be their friend.
Essentially, I can turn bad memories into good ones. Come August 17, I plan to do just that.
If any of you are in a similar situation, I urge you not to sit at home and avoid confronting your past. You can't change what has happened to you, but you can control what you do now.
In my next post, I will explain how to navigate a party when you are socially anxious.
Whether it is the dude that makes fun of your clothes, or the cliques that won't let you near their lunch table, there are plenty of reasons to want to hide under a rock from time to time.
For teens who suffer from social anxiety - either alone or as part of their generalized anxiety - any social situation in high school can be terrifying. From the lunch room, to recess, to bus trips, to finding partners in class... all of it was agonizing for me.
Things got much better after my Sophomore year, when I began taking medication and receiving psychotherapy for my anxiety. After that, I was able to make a few friends. I even attended my proms.
However, high school is something that I would never want to relive. If I am being honest, I have mentally blocked most of it out.
When I received my 5 year reunion invitation, I crumpled it and threw it in the garbage can. I was not interested in seeing people that reminded me of a terrible time in my life.
Last month, I received my 10 year reunion request. This time, i gave it a second look.
Why?
It all came down to my battle with anxiety.
I let it beat me throughout most of high school.
I wasn't about to let it beat me again.
So, I decided to see my 10 year reunion not as a reminder of bad times, but as a chance for redemption. A chance to show people how far I'd come. Show them that that shy little girl had come into her own, as was doing things no one ever thought possible.
More than that, I wanted to get to know these people with him I was once unable to speak. Maybe at one time being around these people caused me great anxiety, but now I know how to be their friend.
Essentially, I can turn bad memories into good ones. Come August 17, I plan to do just that.
If any of you are in a similar situation, I urge you not to sit at home and avoid confronting your past. You can't change what has happened to you, but you can control what you do now.
In my next post, I will explain how to navigate a party when you are socially anxious.
Anxious about medical visits and procedures?
No one likes going to the doctor, dentist, etc. For someone with an anxiety disorder, it can be even worse.
For some, it is the fear of the doctor telling them they are ill or dying or that they are the statistical anomaly. I get it. A lymph node swells due to a cold, and suddenly it becomes, "Oh my God, it's cancer." You bump your shin? It's a stress fracture. Taking "the pill"? You're going to be the .03% that gets pregnant. You are also going to be the miniscule percentage of chiropractic patients that die during an adjustment. A little ache in the tooth? Root canal time. Oh, I definitely get it. Haven't we all felt like Woody Allen's character in the video below?
Also, anxiety about medical procedures can be overwhelming. For me, it is the blood draw or IV. If I know I'm going to have one done, I will become physically sick for days or weeks until it is over. I've actually been known to say that if I ever had a baby, I would rather go through labor without pain medication than have to deal with an epidural and an IV.
I'll always struggle with these parts of my anxiety, even though I've been treated successfully. Some people find relief by taking relaxation pills, Xanax, or other temporary stress reducers. Some use their faith to make it through and trust in God. Some think of happy thoughts. Personally, I just live with the anxiety, and when the time comes, simply breathe deeply and let things happen. I let the doctor or nurse know I am scared, and they will usually find a way to keep me distracted. Whether I panic or not, the procedure will still happen, and I will make it through. I breathe, and remind myself that I'm stronger than I think I am.
That being said, the more you expose yourself to the things you fear, the less they will scare you. You will realize that, in general, they aren't as bad as you think, and that the worst case scenario rarely happens. Personally, I have a goal of eventually being able to give blood on a regular basis. I'm not quite ready yet.
What have your experiences with fear and doctors/procedures been like? Let me know in the comments section.
For some, it is the fear of the doctor telling them they are ill or dying or that they are the statistical anomaly. I get it. A lymph node swells due to a cold, and suddenly it becomes, "Oh my God, it's cancer." You bump your shin? It's a stress fracture. Taking "the pill"? You're going to be the .03% that gets pregnant. You are also going to be the miniscule percentage of chiropractic patients that die during an adjustment. A little ache in the tooth? Root canal time. Oh, I definitely get it. Haven't we all felt like Woody Allen's character in the video below?
Also, anxiety about medical procedures can be overwhelming. For me, it is the blood draw or IV. If I know I'm going to have one done, I will become physically sick for days or weeks until it is over. I've actually been known to say that if I ever had a baby, I would rather go through labor without pain medication than have to deal with an epidural and an IV.
I'll always struggle with these parts of my anxiety, even though I've been treated successfully. Some people find relief by taking relaxation pills, Xanax, or other temporary stress reducers. Some use their faith to make it through and trust in God. Some think of happy thoughts. Personally, I just live with the anxiety, and when the time comes, simply breathe deeply and let things happen. I let the doctor or nurse know I am scared, and they will usually find a way to keep me distracted. Whether I panic or not, the procedure will still happen, and I will make it through. I breathe, and remind myself that I'm stronger than I think I am.
That being said, the more you expose yourself to the things you fear, the less they will scare you. You will realize that, in general, they aren't as bad as you think, and that the worst case scenario rarely happens. Personally, I have a goal of eventually being able to give blood on a regular basis. I'm not quite ready yet.
What have your experiences with fear and doctors/procedures been like? Let me know in the comments section.
When you don't think you can go on...
Sometimes in your anxiety battle, it will feel as if you are stuck in a dark and miserable existence with no escape.. except one...
If you are feeling like that now, STOP.
I know it isn't that easy. You can't just turn the switch from sad to happy. It is a process.
But first, please consider those who love you. Do they know how you are feeling? If not, I encourage you to reach out to them for support. They can't help you if they don't know you are hurting. A very dear friend of mine ended his life at age 19 with no warning. His family - with whom he was very close - had no idea he was suffering. If they had, they would have done everything in their power to talk him out of it. As is, they blame themselves and will never get over the loss. So please, allow your loved ones to help you. Think about how much they need you and how they would feel if you disappeared from their lives.
If they do know, but don't seem to want to help, it is likely because they aren't sure what to do and therefore do nothing. It is a common coping mechanism, and not a sign they don't love you.
You may feel that none of that support matters, that you don't want anyone who doesn't understand what you are going through telling you what to do.
Most likely, you feel you have no control over your future and your happiness. The was a point in my life in which I felt this way. I chose to take control by taking steps towards feeling better. In my case, it was seeing a psychiatrist and a talk therapist.
My life did not improve overnight. Sometimes I still have my moments of weakness. But I don't think that me at 14 could have imagined where I'd be 14 years later. The girl who couldn't talk to her classmates now works as a salesperson. The girl who was too afraid to date a boy is now married. Yes, it was a long process, but my life got better. How are you to know that yours won't get better as well?
Take control over your life, even if it is just making baby steps. Tell someone how you feel, talk to a mental health professional, call a suicide hotline if you have to. You can and will feel better. It may take time, but you'll thank yourself years down the road when you realize what you would have missed out on if you hadn't.
If you are feeling like that now, STOP.
I know it isn't that easy. You can't just turn the switch from sad to happy. It is a process.
But first, please consider those who love you. Do they know how you are feeling? If not, I encourage you to reach out to them for support. They can't help you if they don't know you are hurting. A very dear friend of mine ended his life at age 19 with no warning. His family - with whom he was very close - had no idea he was suffering. If they had, they would have done everything in their power to talk him out of it. As is, they blame themselves and will never get over the loss. So please, allow your loved ones to help you. Think about how much they need you and how they would feel if you disappeared from their lives.
If they do know, but don't seem to want to help, it is likely because they aren't sure what to do and therefore do nothing. It is a common coping mechanism, and not a sign they don't love you.
You may feel that none of that support matters, that you don't want anyone who doesn't understand what you are going through telling you what to do.
Most likely, you feel you have no control over your future and your happiness. The was a point in my life in which I felt this way. I chose to take control by taking steps towards feeling better. In my case, it was seeing a psychiatrist and a talk therapist.
My life did not improve overnight. Sometimes I still have my moments of weakness. But I don't think that me at 14 could have imagined where I'd be 14 years later. The girl who couldn't talk to her classmates now works as a salesperson. The girl who was too afraid to date a boy is now married. Yes, it was a long process, but my life got better. How are you to know that yours won't get better as well?
Take control over your life, even if it is just making baby steps. Tell someone how you feel, talk to a mental health professional, call a suicide hotline if you have to. You can and will feel better. It may take time, but you'll thank yourself years down the road when you realize what you would have missed out on if you hadn't.
What does anxiety medication feel like?
I know a few people who know they have anxiety, but are afraid to go on medication for it.
There are a a couple reasons for this, but mostly they are afraid to go on medication because they are afraid of how it will affect them.
I can tell you from experience that I do not feel like a different person for having taken medication. The goal of generalized anxiety medication is to take the edge off, not to turn you into a zombie. You feel more comfortable with life and better able to handle stress. Your inner dialogue (and if you suffer from anxiety you know what I mean) slows down to a manageable level.
A good doctor or psychiatrist will know how to start you on an appropriate medicine and make adjustments so that you feel 100% yourself, yet feel still feel much more at peace.
For long-term treatment of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, doctors will generally prescribe Busipirone (BuSpar) and/or an SSRI drug like Paroxetine (Paxil), Sertraline (Zoloft), or Venlafaxine (Effexor).
These drugs generally take a month or so to "kick in", although due to the placebo effect, it is possible you may receive relief sooner than that.
A good doctor or psychiatrist will know how to start you on an appropriate medicine and make adjustments so that you feel 100% yourself, yet feel still feel much more at peace.
For long-term treatment of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, doctors will generally prescribe Busipirone (BuSpar) and/or an SSRI drug like Paroxetine (Paxil), Sertraline (Zoloft), or Venlafaxine (Effexor).
These drugs generally take a month or so to "kick in", although due to the placebo effect, it is possible you may receive relief sooner than that.
In my case, I was prescribed Busipirone. After about a month, I felt less stressed. I did not feel drunk, drugged, or lethargic. Simply just less stressed. I took in along with participation in talk therapy.
I was still feeling a little too anxious for my liking about a year into treatment, so my doctor added Sertraline.
I was still feeling a little too anxious for my liking about a year into treatment, so my doctor added Sertraline.
In the correct dosages, these two drugs have never made me feel strange. The best way I can explain it is that they made me feel what I imagine a non-anxiety sufferer would feel like. Do I still experience anxiety? Of course, but it is extremely manageable. I still feel human, and after all, everyone experiences stress and anxiety sometimes. Just not all the time like an untreated GAD sufferer.
That is the goal of taking mental health medication, at any rate. It can take some adjustments for your doctor to find the perfect dosages and medications for you. If you do feel strangely after a month or two, tell your doctor right away. Don't give up - if you have a good doctor, you'll get the right combination before too long. If your doctor refuses to work with you, try another one.
You may experience a few minor side-effects on SSRI drugs. The main ones - and these don't affect everyone - are appetite changes and decrease in sex drive. Again, if you have a side effect you do not feel comfortable, tell your doctor right away. In my own experience, the peace I feel on my medications more than justifies any side effects.
That is the goal of taking mental health medication, at any rate. It can take some adjustments for your doctor to find the perfect dosages and medications for you. If you do feel strangely after a month or two, tell your doctor right away. Don't give up - if you have a good doctor, you'll get the right combination before too long. If your doctor refuses to work with you, try another one.
You may experience a few minor side-effects on SSRI drugs. The main ones - and these don't affect everyone - are appetite changes and decrease in sex drive. Again, if you have a side effect you do not feel comfortable, tell your doctor right away. In my own experience, the peace I feel on my medications more than justifies any side effects.
Some doctors prescribe benzodiazapines like Xanax or Ativan for immediate relief of generalized anxiety, but these are not meant to be taken continuously more than a few weeks. Your doctor may have certain instances s/he wants you to take it, for example if you have panic attacks, but if you only have generalized anxiety, a long-term treatment regimen is necessary. For long term treatment, you will take a slow-acting drug, like those listed above. If your doctor recommends Xanax or another benzo drug to you, be aware that it is addictive, impairs your ability to drive, and has adverse effects when taken with alcohol. They can definitely make you feel a little different - a feeling akin to having too many drinks.
I am not a doctor, and there are certainly other options for relieving anxiety, such as talk therapy and herbal medication. However, do not be afraid to see your doctor, and do not be afraid to try medication if that is what the doctor recommends. If you don't feel good or don't feel different after a period of time, your doctor can work with you and make changes.
How do I deal with my spouse's anxiety?
My husband is an incredibly patient man. However, even he gets frustrated by my anxiety sometimes.
Mainly, he gets annoyed by my inability to "let things go".
For example, if I am worrying about something that cannot be instantly resolved, I tend to get depressed, moody and irritable. Obviously, that affects how I treat him, and it affects his mood as well.
I am sure this is something many dating or married couples go through if one person suffers from anxiety and the other does not. It can be very frustrating for the anxiety spouse, because they feel like their spouse doesn't understand. For the spouse without anxiety, they can feel helpless about not being able to make him or her happy.
Ideally, if you are being treated for anxiety in some way, your tension will be greatly eased and the times you feel unable to let things go with be lessened. That happened for me, but there will still be moments of weakness, no matter how effective your course of treatment (sorry).
If you suffer from anxiety, know that it is OK if your spouse doesn't fully understand how your mind works. Remember, it is difficult to explain blue to a blind person. If they haven't had anxiety, they can't fully understand. Simply let them know that it is an illness, that you are trying your best, and that you understand it can be frustrating. Tell them the best thing they can do is to support and love you.
My husband has learned that the best thing he can do for me when I am anxious is to remind me of the things that bring me comfort . He gives me a hug, and reminds me that he loves me, and the the dog loves me too. That helps bring me out of my head and back into the real world a bit. He also tries to get me to do something fun, like golfing or watching a movie. Different things may work for you, of course. But that's what works for us.
If you are seeing a psychotherapist, social worker, etc, do not be afraid to ask them about bringing your spouse along.
Mainly, he gets annoyed by my inability to "let things go".
For example, if I am worrying about something that cannot be instantly resolved, I tend to get depressed, moody and irritable. Obviously, that affects how I treat him, and it affects his mood as well.
I am sure this is something many dating or married couples go through if one person suffers from anxiety and the other does not. It can be very frustrating for the anxiety spouse, because they feel like their spouse doesn't understand. For the spouse without anxiety, they can feel helpless about not being able to make him or her happy.
Ideally, if you are being treated for anxiety in some way, your tension will be greatly eased and the times you feel unable to let things go with be lessened. That happened for me, but there will still be moments of weakness, no matter how effective your course of treatment (sorry).
If you suffer from anxiety, know that it is OK if your spouse doesn't fully understand how your mind works. Remember, it is difficult to explain blue to a blind person. If they haven't had anxiety, they can't fully understand. Simply let them know that it is an illness, that you are trying your best, and that you understand it can be frustrating. Tell them the best thing they can do is to support and love you.
My husband has learned that the best thing he can do for me when I am anxious is to remind me of the things that bring me comfort . He gives me a hug, and reminds me that he loves me, and the the dog loves me too. That helps bring me out of my head and back into the real world a bit. He also tries to get me to do something fun, like golfing or watching a movie. Different things may work for you, of course. But that's what works for us.
If you are seeing a psychotherapist, social worker, etc, do not be afraid to ask them about bringing your spouse along.
My diagnosis story
Anxiety is something I have always had to deal with, but I was 15 when I finally received my diagnosis. My parents were not equipped to handle a child with a mental illness, and I believe they were also in denial about the fact that their child might have one.
As a child, my anxiety mainly manifested itself in the social realm, as I didn't have anything else to potentially cause stress. To my parents, I was just an unusual child that preferred to read books and stay inside rather than play with friends. If someone said hello to me, I got embarrassed and looked down. I would speak in class, but not to my classmates during recess or lunch.
My parents always had the same response. "Be chipper." "Talk to people." "You should want to play with your classmates."
The truth was, I did. Desperately. I wanted friends. But I was too scared to talk to anyone.
In 8th grade, I got to a point where I was so miserable, I didn't think I could go on. Given, I was too afraid to actually end my life, but I would cry to my mother that I wanted to. After I did this for a few months, my parents finally set up an appointment for me to see the schools social worker.
The social worker was nice, and I saw her for about a year, but she wasn't much help. Different treatments work for different people, but she was not able to adequately help me.
Finally, my parents booked an appointment with a psychiatrist. Because no one in my life had been able to tell me what was wrong, I put together an extensive list of scenarios and symptoms and how they made me feel. This psychologist, however, didn't need to look at any of them. Enough "what if" questions from me made it very obvious: I was a typical case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
My parents were supportive, and I was relieved to know that there was a reason for my suffering - one with a cure. Any stigmas they may have felt about mental illness soon washed away. In fact, soon after I received my diagnosis, my father realized he'd been in denial about his own anxiety disorder, and he too would seek treatment.
As a child, my anxiety mainly manifested itself in the social realm, as I didn't have anything else to potentially cause stress. To my parents, I was just an unusual child that preferred to read books and stay inside rather than play with friends. If someone said hello to me, I got embarrassed and looked down. I would speak in class, but not to my classmates during recess or lunch.
My parents always had the same response. "Be chipper." "Talk to people." "You should want to play with your classmates."
The truth was, I did. Desperately. I wanted friends. But I was too scared to talk to anyone.
In 8th grade, I got to a point where I was so miserable, I didn't think I could go on. Given, I was too afraid to actually end my life, but I would cry to my mother that I wanted to. After I did this for a few months, my parents finally set up an appointment for me to see the schools social worker.
The social worker was nice, and I saw her for about a year, but she wasn't much help. Different treatments work for different people, but she was not able to adequately help me.
Finally, my parents booked an appointment with a psychiatrist. Because no one in my life had been able to tell me what was wrong, I put together an extensive list of scenarios and symptoms and how they made me feel. This psychologist, however, didn't need to look at any of them. Enough "what if" questions from me made it very obvious: I was a typical case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
My parents were supportive, and I was relieved to know that there was a reason for my suffering - one with a cure. Any stigmas they may have felt about mental illness soon washed away. In fact, soon after I received my diagnosis, my father realized he'd been in denial about his own anxiety disorder, and he too would seek treatment.
Why does anxiety make me so impatient?
One of my biggest struggles as a GAD girl is a constant need to act RIGHT NOW.
In other words, if something causes me a bit of worry, I cannot think of anything else until the worry is resolved. Most of the time the cause of worry is very inconsequential, but because my mind immediately goes to the worst case scenario and obsesses over it, it causes me to want to get rid of the anxiety ASAP.
I first remember experiencing this when I was about 13. I lived about 30 minutes from the nearest shopping center at the time, and had been to a department store earlier in the day with some family friends. I saw a dress and shoes that I liked, but I didn't have my allowance money with me at the time. When I got home that night, I started panicking to my mother. I told her I wanted to get the dress and shoes, and we had to go back tonight, otherwise they would be gone. At least, that's how it was in my mind. Who knows how many size M of the dress they had in stock, how many size 7s of the shoes. All that ran through my mind is "What if it is gone next time I go to the store? What if I never find a dress and shoes I like that much ever again?"
It is embarrassing to think about how upset I got over the fear of not being able to get a dress I loved. However my brain's default setting is still "Resolve now", the circumstances are just different now.
For example, if my car's check engine light goes on, I immediately start thinking about the most expensive fix my car could possibly need. Then I start to think about how that will affect me monetarily, etc. I start to think about having to cancel vacations we haven't even started planning yet.
Strangely enough, when those worst case scenarios HAVE occurred, I have always been able to deal with them. They never ended my world.
And that is what you must consider when you find yourself dwelling over an uncertain situation and worst-case scenariolizing. Realize that, no matter what happens, you will make it through. The sun will rise the next day. 5 years from now - heck, maybe 5 minutes from now - whatever you were worried about happening, even if it does happen - probably won't matter anymore. In fact, you will find yourself wondering why you were so worried about it to begin with.
Never be ashamed of how you feel. Try to recognize when this pattern is occurring for you. Realize that the worst case scenario is very unlikely. There are plenty of other things that could occur. Ask yourself it it will matter 5 years from now. And, remind yourself that you are strong enough to make it through whatever happens to you. If you still don't feel calm, force yourself out of your head by going and doing something that requires your attention.
If you find yourself unable to distract yourself in any circumstance, consider seeing your family doctor or a psychiatrist who can determine if medication may be right for you. I do take medication, but I still do have to control my thoughts on a daily basis - medication pretty much just takes the edge off in my case.
So what ever happened in my two seemingly "end of the world" situations? In the dress case, it was still there the next day. In the instance of my car, the light was only on because of an electrical glitch that was resolved for a whopping $0.
In other words, if something causes me a bit of worry, I cannot think of anything else until the worry is resolved. Most of the time the cause of worry is very inconsequential, but because my mind immediately goes to the worst case scenario and obsesses over it, it causes me to want to get rid of the anxiety ASAP.
I first remember experiencing this when I was about 13. I lived about 30 minutes from the nearest shopping center at the time, and had been to a department store earlier in the day with some family friends. I saw a dress and shoes that I liked, but I didn't have my allowance money with me at the time. When I got home that night, I started panicking to my mother. I told her I wanted to get the dress and shoes, and we had to go back tonight, otherwise they would be gone. At least, that's how it was in my mind. Who knows how many size M of the dress they had in stock, how many size 7s of the shoes. All that ran through my mind is "What if it is gone next time I go to the store? What if I never find a dress and shoes I like that much ever again?"
It is embarrassing to think about how upset I got over the fear of not being able to get a dress I loved. However my brain's default setting is still "Resolve now", the circumstances are just different now.
For example, if my car's check engine light goes on, I immediately start thinking about the most expensive fix my car could possibly need. Then I start to think about how that will affect me monetarily, etc. I start to think about having to cancel vacations we haven't even started planning yet.
Strangely enough, when those worst case scenarios HAVE occurred, I have always been able to deal with them. They never ended my world.
And that is what you must consider when you find yourself dwelling over an uncertain situation and worst-case scenariolizing. Realize that, no matter what happens, you will make it through. The sun will rise the next day. 5 years from now - heck, maybe 5 minutes from now - whatever you were worried about happening, even if it does happen - probably won't matter anymore. In fact, you will find yourself wondering why you were so worried about it to begin with.
Never be ashamed of how you feel. Try to recognize when this pattern is occurring for you. Realize that the worst case scenario is very unlikely. There are plenty of other things that could occur. Ask yourself it it will matter 5 years from now. And, remind yourself that you are strong enough to make it through whatever happens to you. If you still don't feel calm, force yourself out of your head by going and doing something that requires your attention.
If you find yourself unable to distract yourself in any circumstance, consider seeing your family doctor or a psychiatrist who can determine if medication may be right for you. I do take medication, but I still do have to control my thoughts on a daily basis - medication pretty much just takes the edge off in my case.
So what ever happened in my two seemingly "end of the world" situations? In the dress case, it was still there the next day. In the instance of my car, the light was only on because of an electrical glitch that was resolved for a whopping $0.
About The GAD Life
The sun is about to set on a Sunday night in midwest America, and I'm lounging in the living room of my modest 2-bedroom home. My feet are propped up in the easy chair, my computer on my lap and a Cockapoo puppy napping on my legs. Even at dusk, the Summer heat outside is unbearable, but my husband and I have the air conditioner cranking. It's our first summer as a married couple, and life is good.
Or is it?
I don't have any "real" problems, at least not to a casual observer. I'm young, healthy, in love, and making enough money to live a fairly comfortable life.
But I can't relax. I don't feel like everything is OK, let alone good.
I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
WebMD describes Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) as being characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. In people with GAD, the worry is often unrealistic and out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear and dread.
It is often difficult for other people to understand your struggle. They may think it is all in your head.
In reality, it is very much a physiological problem, dealing with abnormal levels of neurotransmitters in the brain. This alters the way the brain reacts to certain situations, leading to inappropriate levels of anxiety.
I am not alone in my struggles. 6.8 million Americans could tell you that.
That is why The Gad Life is here. I will write about common anxiety issues and my experiences, and also provide advice on seeking further help. I am not a doctor nor a licensed therapist, but I have struggled - and survived - 28 years with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I know the kinds of questions you have, and I have a lot of insight and knowledge of the disease.
Feel free to reply with your questions and your own fears. I will do my best to write a post tailored to your questions. Email me at lindsayraye@gmail.com.
Or is it?
I don't have any "real" problems, at least not to a casual observer. I'm young, healthy, in love, and making enough money to live a fairly comfortable life.
But I can't relax. I don't feel like everything is OK, let alone good.
I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
WebMD describes Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) as being characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry. In people with GAD, the worry is often unrealistic and out of proportion for the situation. Daily life becomes a constant state of worry, fear and dread.
It is often difficult for other people to understand your struggle. They may think it is all in your head.
In reality, it is very much a physiological problem, dealing with abnormal levels of neurotransmitters in the brain. This alters the way the brain reacts to certain situations, leading to inappropriate levels of anxiety.
I am not alone in my struggles. 6.8 million Americans could tell you that.
That is why The Gad Life is here. I will write about common anxiety issues and my experiences, and also provide advice on seeking further help. I am not a doctor nor a licensed therapist, but I have struggled - and survived - 28 years with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I know the kinds of questions you have, and I have a lot of insight and knowledge of the disease.
Feel free to reply with your questions and your own fears. I will do my best to write a post tailored to your questions. Email me at lindsayraye@gmail.com.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)